Truth; In some moments I feel like I’m nailing this whole thing and other moments I feel like a lazy failure. Let’s unpack that a bit.
First there’s the matter of food which I have had a terrible relationship with for my entire life or at least what I can remember of it. In the last few days I feel like I have turned a corner a bit and all with the help of my therapist. I haven’t had a therapy session in a while and it was time. What she helped me discover was that as a child I rebelled because it served me. It was my way of knowing that I could do this life on my own and I didn’t need anyone’s help or support. It was a way to protect myself. But now that rebel isn’t serving me, she’s working against me.
I have a rebel and a wise one sitting on my shoulders when it comes to food and since the beginning of quarantine (actually if I’m being honest, it started last summer for other anxiety inducing reasons) the rebel has been in high force. Once, my therapist helped me discover this and walked me through what it would look like if the wise one approached me with love, empathy and self-compassion, I was able to see what my body really needs from me right now. So in this moment, I am nailing this whole food thing, again, in this moment. I know there will be moments where I will still want to eat that donut instead of dealing with the underlying emotions and if I eat that donut, I will try really hard to give myself grace.
Ok, so that’s the story around food for me right now. How about homeschooling? Shit! Who in the world thought we would ever be forced to homeschool. I’ve thought about doing it in the past because in some ways I see the benefit. I have a gifted girl and a son who seems to be following in her footsteps and I don’t always feel like the school system is designed to work with their needs. And I also don’t think I’m designed to work with their needs so here we lie.
We sleep until 9:30am most mornings, yes, you heard that right. I’m not jumping out of bed and sticking with my routine because it makes the day shorter and more manageable. I do my best to encourage them to work on some of the assigned work they’ve been given but at the end of the day, I don’t want to fight with them over doing schoolwork. I get it, I never liked academics, even though I excelled when I put forth effort, it wasn’t my thing. So, I’m doing the best I can but I can tell you one thing, they are both getting an “A+” in art class. They are both creative learners and if there’s one thing I know I can do, it’s inspire their creative souls and reach their curious minds. So, how do I feel about all of that…. somewhere in the middle, sometimes I think we got it and other times I feel like a complete failure. Em has already claimed that I am the worst teacher so I’ve got her vote loud and clear. Just as long as she still thinks I am the best mom, I think we are winning.
Next up, on a similar topic around kids needs, is anyone else struggling with screen use? There are two things I am feeling a lot of guilt around, screen use and getting them outside. Before COVID-19, my rule around screens was a strict no screens during the school week. Now, there’s no school and that rule has flown out the window. I love Glennon Doyle and if you don’t know who she is, you should forget reading this and run over to her instagram account, immediately. I’ll link it here for you. She spoke to screen use in one of her IGTV’s a few weeks ago and it had me laughing and giving myself permission to relax around my rules. But, here’s the snag in that plan, Lex needs it to be limited for his sanity (or mine). He doesn’t go to sleep well, he can’t sit still at dinner and if I try to get him to put it down after he’s been on it for a while, it often ends in a meltdown. Seriously, anyone else have this problem? The struggle is real.
Then, there’s getting them outside, we all kind of seem to be OK with staying indoors. In fact, I love that it’s raining outside right now because it takes the pressure off. I have a few stories around this, first, I want quarantine to be over with already and I worry that if we don’t stay home and be diligent about social distancing, it’s never going to end. Second, and here’s the funny one, we don’t like bugs and the freakin’ gnats right now are unruly but I also just don’t love walking around aimlessly. I’m a big advocate for walking the kids to school and walking to places but I don’t feel inspired by going for a walk around the block, so we don’t go out often and oh the guilt! To be honest, I have craved some of this stillness and in some ways I’m revelling in it.
Well, there it is in a nutshell, my thoughts on quarantine life today. I hope this helps some feel like they’re not alone and hey, if you share some of these feelings, leave a comment below so I don’t feel like I’m the only one. 😉
Sending love and virtual hugs to everyone who wants them. IMO, virtual hugs are great, I’m not a big hugger but I do miss being close to people. I really do miss my family, friends and creating with my clients. Fingers crossed this is over soon!
Here are a few photos from the last couple months of my 365 project. I’ve stuck with it so far and taken a photo of our family life every day since January 2nd.
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